Losing Control
by thepuppiesinpink
Summary: What if Henry's demons manifested a little more dramatically? This examines 2.01-03. I'm going to call it AU because I've taken some liberties, and I hope I'm wrong. This is me processing. Let me know if you think I'm completely off-base here. I'd love to hear your opinions on it. I can tidy up some of this in a second chapter, but I kinda want to wait to see what the show does.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: "Present" in this fic is defined as 2.03. I've taken several artistic liberties here. I hope this characterization of Henry is completely AU. This is me trying to come to terms with how harshly Henry treated Stevie in 2.01.

* * *

Henry stared into space as Elizabeth left for the White House. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Elizabeth was worried about Gorev. The similarity to Javani was striking. A leader had cast his lot with hers, and now her repercussions were not her own. He wanted to say the right thing, but words failed him. He had spent months comforting her, navigating every panic attack and flashback with gentle grace, but he didn't know what to say now. This wasn't in her head. This was real. Gorev could easily end up dead, and while Elizabeth had been acting in her best moral conscience and completely professionally - and thus absolved of mortal guilt in his eyes - no one could deny that she had been the actor to cause the situation.

Henry was also concerned about his handling of Dmitri. He had protested his torture, but not enough. Because of him, Dmitri was in danger with his home country. Henry hadn't acted in good conscience. Nothing shielded him from his guilt. Everything weighed on him heavily. Maybe he was losing his touch.

He wasn't used to being the one who needed moral counsel. He helped Elizabeth through her turmoil. Not that they weren't equals, but he had recently settled into a caring role, being her strength. Now _he_ needed comfort. He needed guidance. His discomfort had reached a boiling point.

* * *

 _Roughly one week before..._

* * *

He had scared Stevie. Yelling at her over Harrison was warranted, but that was not the way to do it. She was trapped in the basement of the White House. This was not home, and she could not leave at her will. Henry had backed her into a wall and spoken to her more harshly than she remembered him ever speaking.

It scared him, too. He and Elizabeth did not speak to their children that way. They didn't speak to each other that way.

At least they hadn't for twelve years.

* * *

Twelve years ago, he had held their relationship hostage to keep Elizabeth from taking the job as station chief in Iraq. It took them over a year to work through that. At the time, he had had his reasons for acting so harshly. The children were so young. They still needed their mother. His career was starting to take off seriously since the war had forced everyone to reexamine their military ethics.

That may have been the center of all of it. The war had put so many things into question for him. During Desert Storm, he didn't have time to think about the complex ethics of everything, but now that he was no longer actively serving, he had time to consider his own understanding of morality. It took him back to his time as a fighter pilot. He had thought that he had come back relatively unscathed. Sure he had nightmares, but he had escaped the trauma that so many of his comrades had endured.

Henry couldn't let Elizabeth go to Iraq when he needed her so badly. So he had implied that he would leave her. He didn't mean it. He wouldn't have even said it outright, but he needed her to know that this was important enough to threaten their relationship - not that he was even able to articulate to her precisely what "this" was.

In the end, she hadn't taken the job. She had gone for shorter trips, but she hadn't taken a long-term position. They had both agreed that if their relationship was going to work, they needed to stay and address their problems. Henry had sought out religious counsel to help him reconcile war and morality. He had promised Elizabeth that he would never hold their relationship ransom to get his way again. They consciously worked to treat each other better. Henry went to confession each time he failed to honor his marriage vows in addition to offering an apology to Elizabeth.

* * *

 _Return to one week before present..._

* * *

Henry knew he needed to tell Elizabeth what had happened with Stevie, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to tell her he had behaved so badly. The one thing that he valued above anything else was Elizabeth's trust. Her most basic trust was that he would never hurt her, and beyond that, that he would protect her. That was the basis of any strong relationship. Elizabeth had a very demanding job, and she encountered plenty of threatening things in the course of any day. Her relationship with Henry let her face those difficulties without fear that she would be alone. Similarly, Henry needed Elizabeth's love and support to be able to cope with his job and public life. They gave each other the stability and safety to be able to take risks and accomplish great things.

If Elizabeth's understanding of Henry as a steady and gentle person were changed, as it almost certainly would be if she knew what he had said to Stevie, she might not have that safe grounding that he knew she so desperately needed to rebuild after Iran. His decision to tell her, then, was a moral one - she needed to know because she was his wife - but also a personal one - if she couldn't trust him, particularly now, she could crumble. The two motives seemed to point to very different courses of action.

Henry tried to think through it logically. Stevie wouldn't mention their conversation to her mother. The decision to tell her was up to him. If there were any chance of him ever speaking to Elizabeth that way, then he understood that he was morally obligated to tell her, to give her warning.

But was he likely to speak to Elizabeth that way? Could he ever hurt her? He had proved twelve year ago that he could, but he had never done anything that bad again. He would never physically hurt her, of course, but thinking back to his conversation with Stevie, he had grabbed her shoulder pretty fiercely. It scared him. His understanding of himself did not include violence. His understanding of war was very nuanced to be able to accommodate what he had done in Desert Storm, but he understood ordinary violence very differently. He certainly could not justify hurting his family, ever.

The ultimate goal for Henry was to keep Elizabeth safe and happy. He reasoned that if he could handle the situation with Stevie himself, that Elizabeth couldn't make it better, and Elizabeth wasn't in any danger, then the best thing to do would be to keep his conversation with Stevie private. It could only do Elizabeth more harm than good. Henry wasn't fond of utilitarianism, but in this case, it supported his instinct.

Could Elizabeth ever be afraid of him? He wanted to think that because of their relationship, that would never be a possibility. But he had seen her after Iran. He had seen what real fear could look like. When she was in the grips of a panic attack, she didn't always know who he was, and that scared him. Fear superseded her learned relationships. Henry couldn't ever let her be that fearful again. And if he told her how he had treated Stevie, she might not be so trusting.

* * *

 _Back to present..._

* * *

Henry sat on the sofa after Elizabeth left. Guilt wracked his body. He had approved the torture of Dmitri. He had practically tortured him himself, using Dmitri's sister as a bargaining chip was abhorrent. Confiding any of this to Elizabeth would be illegal.

That made it all the more terrible. Talking to his wife was his normal course of action. Even when he was trying to tease out an academic subject, Elizabeth knew how to ask questions. She wasn't a religious scholar, but she could ask questions that challenged even Henry after all his years of experience.

Dmitri obviously wasn't an available topic of conversation, and neither was Stevie. If Henry couldn't confide his concern about Stevie to Elizabeth, he couldn't tell anyone. He felt shut out. Henry hated feeling excluded from his marriage. It infuriated him, which scared him. He wasn't a violent, angry man, and if he got any more prone to outbursts than he already had, he could terrify Elizabeth. He needed release. But what could he do?

* * *

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been eleven years since my last confession."

"Today, I had a man beaten up. He was only a kid, really. My job requires that I blackmail him using his sister as ransom. Going back now would do him more harm than going forward."

Behind the screen, the priest replied. "This is obviously a terrible sin. I assume this was related to your job?"

"Yes."

"Well, obviously I'll need to give you penance to do, but all you can really do is try to do better going forward. You seem repentant. You know torture and violence are wrong."

"I will do better."

"Good. Did you have anything else?"

"Yes... I do. I yelled at my daughter. I scared her. I grabbed her. I should tell my wife, but I don't want her to think I could ever treat her that way."

"Would you ever treat your wife that way?"

"Not on purpose..."

"But could you?"

"Maybe."

"You know you made vows to your wife. You need to uphold those. What would you need to do to keep those?"

"I need to have better control of myself."

"Have you ever acted out this way before? Yelling and harsh contact?"

"Not in years."

"When was the last time this was a problem for you?"

Henry laughed. "The last time I went to confession..."

The priest allowed himself a small chortle. "And what did you do then that improved the situation?"

"I worked with a counselor. My wife and I started putting more energy into our relationship, and after a while, we decided to renew our vows."

"Would you be willing to do that again?"

"I can't. I can't tell her about the things I've done because of national security."

"You could tell her about your daughter."

"I could, but if she thinks I could threaten our relationship again... She's in a very fragile state right now."

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah. She had a serious trauma a few months back, and we haven't gotten through it completely, if we ever will."

"You've been helping her through it?"

"Of course."

"And you think she wouldn't trust you if told her you've been acting out?"

"It's not worth the risk."

"Don't you owe it to her to prepare her in case she sees you on a bad day?"

"Shouldn't I just try to make sure she doesn't see me that way?"

"Yes, but you have to do more. I would recommend counseling if you think this is a serious issue, and you obviously do."

"Yeah. I guess I've avoided it long enough."

"But I still think she should be told. Does she not deserve it?"

"She deserves the world."

"The only way you can give her the world is if you don't allow her to get caught in the crossfire. Let her help you through this like last time. If you haven't had any serious conflict in a marriage in eleven years, you obviously work well together."

"We do. She is my wife. In every sense of the term."

"So let her help you."

"I worry that she'll get hurt in the process."

"You say you've been helping her through something recently."

"Yes."

"We all make sacrifices. She will be willing to make those for you."

"I'm just not convinced she'll be able to keep it together."

"She has a support system outside of you, right?"

"She's close with her staff and some of her old work friends."

"So she could lean on them while you two work things out."

"I don't like it."

"Well, if you're worried that you'll mistreat her, I'm not sure if you get a say in that."

"I'm not going to hurt her."

"Then you don't have anything to worry about."

"Okay. Point taken. I have to tell her."

"And you need to get help. Find a counselor. I can give you some recommendations. But find one. Then when you talk to your wife, tell her you're seeking help. That'll make things easier. Show her you really want to make this work."

"And if she gets scared of me?"

"Then prove to her that you're worthy of her trust. Make sure she can speak to her friends."

"Okay. I can do that."

"Good. Now... For your penance..."

* * *

After a quick phone call, Henry made his way home to his wife.

"You're home." Henry walked into the bedroom and noticed Elizabeth already dressed for bed.

"Very astute. Come here." She had a look on her face. He knew those looks. She was stressed.

"You okay, babe?" Maybe he shouldn't tell her tonight if she was already stressed.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Tonight is just going to be a clingy night. Work is scaring me, but I can't talk about it. As usual." Elizabeth walked over and folded herself against Henry's chest,

Henry normally enjoyed her clingy nights - not that he enjoyed her being upset - but he enjoyed the time they could spend together. "I'll always be here. I promise you that." He put a little too much emphasis on the last sentence.

"Is something wrong?" She looked up at his face, trying to read him.

"No, but we need to talk." He tried to evade her gaze.

"Okay." Elizabeth was placid, ready for Henry to talk.

"It doesn't have to be tonight." Suddenly he didn't want to have to ruin this moment.

"No. It's okay. I want to know what's been bothering you so much."

"Well, part one I can't talk about. But just know I'm going to try to make it better."

"Okay." She understood he just needed to verbalize something.

"And two..." Henry sat down on the bed heavily. "I've been having... Trouble recently."

Elizabeth moved to his side, but didn't speak.

"I've been more angry. Trying to keep everything together isn't working. It has to come out somehow, and I get angry. I yelled at Stevie. I really yelled at her. I grabbed her pretty rough. I didn't hurt her, but I scared the hell out of her."

Drawing back a bit, Elizabeth's eyes darkened. "Why didn't you tell me? I could have talked to her."

"It wouldn't have helped. And I don't want you to be afraid of me." That was the crux of his worry.

"I'd never be afraid of you. You didn't hurt me... Unless... You're worried that you'll get angry and hurt me? Are you mad at me?"

"No, babe, no. I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. I'm not mad at you. I just get... When I'm that angry, I'm not me." Henry needed her to understand.

"You haven't been like that since..." Her mind went back twelve years.

"I know. I know." Henry didn't want to rehash it all.

"Have I been neglecting you since Iran?" It was so like Elizabeth to try to blame herself, assuming that she could fix everything. The problem was she was so determined, she normally could.

"What? No! Of course not." He looked up at her. "You're perfect, babe."

"Last time, I thought about leaving for a year and you got like this. Have you felt neglected?" Elizabeth wouldn't drop it.

"No. It's everything else. And things just changed since Iran. Not bad, just something to adjust to." Henry wanted to make sure she knew he didn't blame her for the changes to their relationship after Iran.

"So you're worried you're going to lose control and do something to me?" Her question was a little tentative.

"I... Maybe. But know I would never intentionally hurt you." Henry was trying to articulate his feelings.

Elizabeth stood up and started pacing.

Henry was worried. "Lizzie, it's okay. You're safe, baby. It's going to be okay." The last thing he wanted to do was send her into a panic attack.

"Henry... I can't... I need time to think..." She was thinking rapidly, but her breathing remained even.

He let out a breath. "That's fair."

"Have you done anything else you're not telling me?" She needed to know the whole story.

"Not in front of anyone." He wasn't ready to tell her everything, and now wasn't the time to overwhelm her.

She gave him a look. He was holding back, but she didn't have the energy to dig tonight. "Fine. Just give me some time to process."

"Of course. I told Isabelle you might want to call." He had tried to prepare.

"Thanks."

"I won't let you use this as an excuse to hide from everything." Elizabeth had a tendency to seclude herself when confronted with conflict. She would try to find a solution herself.

Elizabeth smiled. This was still her Henry. "I won't."

"This doesn't change anything."

"It does. Not everything, but it changes some things. I want you to start seeing someone... Not like that. Don't give me that face." He had given her a look. "I mean I want you to talk to a shrink."

"I've got an appointment on Wednesday." Henry was glad he had already taken that step.

That caught her off guard… "Good. And I want you to promise that you'll tell me when you're in any danger of blowing up."

"I'll do my best." Henry knew this was what she needed to hear.

"Okay. If you're going to yell, yell at me. Don't try to protect me from you, because if you blow up at the kids again, Henry, I swear to God you will never hear the end of it."

"Okay. Understood."

Elizabeth's voice changed. She wasn't the lioness protecting he cubs anymore. "Could you really... Do you really think you might hurt me?"

Henry's heart bled at the stricken look on her face. "I..." He paused a moment, gathering his thoughts. "It's like your panic attacks. It just boils to the surface, and when I'm like that I'm not paying attention to who I'm taking it out on or what the actual situation is. I would never want to hurt you, but if I didn't realize what I was doing... I might."

"You think you'd get physical?"

"I can't promise I wouldn't." Henry felt completely out of control. Trying to tell Elizabeth what he was capable of was so difficult when he didn't know himself.

"Henry..." She started to back away from him.

"Hon, it's okay." He pursued her.

"No. Stay there. I'm sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight. I just need space." She was understandably nervous.

Henry took a breath to calm himself. She was being totally reasonable given what he'd told her. "Okay. But at least let me sleep in the guest bedroom. You should get to sleep in your own bed."

"Alright." Her mind had gone other places, and she barely noticed what she was agreeing to.

"Good. I love you, Elizabeth. More than anything. That's why I told you. I'm going to work through it." He tried to reassure her.

"I know you will. We will."

"Can I give you a hug?"

"Yeah."

They embraced, but stiffly. Elizabeth couldn't relax into his arms like she usually did, not if she also had to defend herself from Henry. This threw a wrench into her world.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here's the happy fluffy ending... or as happy and fluffy as a fic like this can have. I have no idea where the show is going with the Henry/Elizabeth plot. It's up and down, so I guess they're leaving it to us to fill in the blanks. Again, your comments are always appreciated.

* * *

Henry picked up his things and went into the guest room. He had never slept in this room. But he didn't mind. If Elizabeth needed space, then that was what he would ensure she got. He decided to pray his rosary while contemplating his dedication to get better. His devotion to his faith was a little ironic. Here he was, a renowned religious scholar, and he only ever turned to religious discipline when he was in real trouble. Though, he supposed, wasn't that what everyone did? Wasn't that the purpose of religion anyway? To get through the difficult times more evenly, to explain the difficult times and offer a way out?

Elizabeth brushed her teeth and tried to go to sleep, but it didn't come. Henry was so close to her, only a room apart, but she had pushed him away. Even if she had a very good reason to need her space, he hadn't been the one to push.

She finally got up and went to the guest bedroom. The door was closed. It felt symbolic. She knocked quietly. "Henry?"

Henry was staring at the ceiling when he heard her knock. He jumped up immediately and went to the door.

"You okay, babe? What's wrong?" He was worried she'd had a nightmare or panic attack.

"I can't sleep without you. Would you come back to bed?" She was treading carefully because she didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

"Are you sure? Of course I will, but only if you're sure."

"I'm sure. Just sleep."

"I'm not going to hurt you tonight, babe. I promise."

"Okay. Thank you." _Thank you? What sort of thing was that to say?_

Henry wrapped his arm around her waist, trying to give her support.

Elizabeth bit her lip, trying to decide whether or not to speak.

"You sure you're okay?" Henry was still concerned.

"After you meet with the counselor, I want us to also start going together. I want to help you through this."

Henry kissed her forehead softly. "I love you so much, babe."

"I do too, Henry ...you know I'm not upset that you get angry. You should get angry. I'm only worried about everything else."

"The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you or our kids."

"I know, Henry. I want you to be able to have an outlet before you get angry. I know you. You don't go straight to anger. You go to melancholy to sadness to isolation to anger. I want you to be able to talk to me before you get angry - before you blow up."

"I remember saying something similar to you not too long ago..."

"Yeah. I guess we both have fallout from Iran to deal with. And just like you told me not get so anxious I have a panic attack, I don't want you to get so angry you lash out."

"It'll still be a process."

"But one that we'll get through."

"We will."

Elizabeth gave him a small smile. "Now, take me to bed. I need you with me tonight."

"It's okay, babe. I'm here." _And I'm not going anywhere._

Henry helped her into bed. He wasn't expecting her to be clingy since she still seemed so nervous about his revelation. Elizabeth had made a decision, though. She had made the decision twenty-five years ago, actually. This was the man she was going to trust, come thick or thin. She knew his words were an abundance of caution. He wouldn't hurt her, not physically. He might lash out with a comment, but he was always in her corner, and he would be the first to defend her if someone threatened her.

"Hey Henry?" She was facing away from him, but she rolled over to look him in the eyes.

"Yeah?"

"What do you mean when you say you might hurt me? Specifically. I need to know."

He sighed. He wasn't sure even he really knew what he meant. "I'm not sure. But I might say something without thinking. You know what I said last time. I never want do that to you again."

"That doesn't scare me, Henry. You talked about getting physical."

"I'm not going to lay a hand on you like that." Now that he said it, he knew it was true. It would never come to that. His repressed anger scared him, but he had managed it without hurting Elizabeth or even getting close to it.

"Good. I guess I knew that."

"I'm sorry I let you think that."

"It's okay. You're still trying to process this, too. I'm just glad you recognized this before it necessitated a trip to the hospital. That's better than one of us…" Elizabeth was still a little embarrassed at having a high profile panic attack at work.

"I did go to confession…"

She smiled. He had dealt with his anger by going to confession, and he still felt like he was a terrible person. _Do you recognize how wonderful you are?_ "Okay, I guess that's the same difference."

Henry laughed. "That's some seriously strange theology, but I'll leave it for tonight."

"Good. I'm really tired. You gonna be here in the morning?"

"You can count on it, babe."

They shared a final kiss before falling into a peaceful sleep.


End file.
